How Perfectionism is Holding You Back from Reaching Your Goals

Can I share something a little personal with you?

One of the more persistent struggles I’ve had in my adult life is with perfectionism. You may know it as having an “all or nothing” kind of mentality, being described as an overachiever or an A-type person. It’s something I continue to work on to this day. And it’s something that many of my nutrition and weight loss accountability clients struggle with too.

Perfectionism can stop us from reaching the things we truly want for ourselves — time to spend freely with our loved ones, a sustainable and satisfying wellbeing practice, and a sense of calm and peace throughout our lives.

And the reason that perfectionism is so hard to overcome is that for many of us, it has given us a huge advantage earlier in life.

The ‘all or nothing’ way of thinking has definitely benefited me in the past, and I’m sure it’s helped you too.

Having high standards and perfectionist tendencies means that you’ve become very successful. You’ve set goals for yourself, and been relentless in your pursuit of them.

You’ve taken action to build the life you wanted, and you’ve gone above and beyond, putting in late nights studying and working, sacrificing social time, and even giving up time for yourself.

You’ve thrived, because you saw what needed to be done, and you did it — and more.

But maybe now the time for that level of striving has passed.

Maybe now is the season for you to take care of yourself, to nourish your body and your social connections, and to enjoy the fruits of all your efforts.

Maybe now the perfectionism that used to serve you is getting in the way of creating the healthy balance you deserve.

In fact, this is something that has been as referred to as maladaptive perfectionism or the negative aspects of perfectionism that involves setting unrealistically high standards, being overly self-critical, and experiencing intense fear of failure.

The Cycle of Perfectionism

Perfectionism tends to manifest itself in a pretty predictable cycle, and identifying those patterns is the first step in unravelling this lifelong habit.

Here’s how it tends to go:

You pick a big, exciting, inspiring goal (you’re not the kind of person who does things small) — let’s say, a new workout plan, combined with a complete overhaul of your diet for sustained and healthy weight loss. You can’t wait to get started.

This bit is fun, and a little scary, kind of like getting on a rollercoaster that’s just the right size.

You know it will require a lot of prep and careful time management, but you map it all out, research everything you’ll need to make it happen, and add it all to your calendar.

And then something happens: something small, but unexpected enough to throw you off your plan. A colleague quits and you have to take over a last-minute deadline. Your kid gets a stomach bug and you’re up all night cleaning up. A relative suddenly needs a lift to an urgent medical appointment.

Instead of adapting the plan to work around the complication, you think, “Damn… I’ll have to wait until tomorrow.”

It’s easy to justify putting something off if you think it can be done better at a later time.

But of course, life is full of these little detours and interruptions, and so there’s rarely (if ever) a perfect time to implement your plan.

And here’s where perfectionism really gets ugly: the more often you put off starting your plan in the hope of doing it perfectly, the worse you feel about the plan — and about yourself.

All the excitement and motivation you had when you came up with it is replaced with feelings of disappointment and shame. Underneath it all is a fear of failure so intense that we feel like it’s better to protect ourselves by not even trying at all.

The Perfectionism Pattern

I wonder if this pattern sounds familiar to you:

“That’s it! I’m done with this. From Monday, everything changes. I’m going to the gym every day if it kills me, we’re not ordering take out at all, and I’m going to tell my boss that I’m done at 6 whether they like it or not.”

Monday rolls around, and you think “Oh, shoot. I don’t have enough groceries to prep my meals for the start of week. OK — I’ll shop this week, prep all my meals, sort out my gym membership, and then I’ll start next Monday. Dammit! How is it 7pm already?! When did everyone else leave? And how did I eat so many of those cookies? Ugh. This week is a wash and it’s barely even started.”

Discouraged and tired, you get home, eat whatever is on hand, have a glass of wine or two, and crash in front of the TV.

Tuesday morning rolls around, and you feel… gross. You didn’t sleep well, so you dozed after your alarm, and now you’re late, which makes you stressed, which makes you crave sugary carbs, and then because you were late you feel obliged to make up the time in the evening, which means you skip the workout you planned… and on, and on, and on.

Are you ready to be done with that? I know I am.

How Do I Break the Perfectionism Cycle?

The alternative is neither quick nor easy. But it works, and day by day it sets you free to actually take control of your time and your health.

Moderation. It sounds almost like a swear word to a committed perfectionist, right?

But making SOME changes — not all of them — is the key to eventually getting them all done.

Let your goal be to take smaller, more consistent actions that build positive momentum towards what you want, instead of the all-or-nothing see-saw of doing more than is sustainable, and then nothing at all.

Like I said, it takes time to transition away from lifelong perfectionism to a balanced, moderate approach to things.

One of the most important pieces of getting this right is to start practicing acceptance. Instead of instantly trying to change something when you notice you don’t like it, just spend some time trying to accept that it’s there and that it’s true.

The fact that there is something you don’t like in your life is not a sign that you are a bad person/colleague/partner/parent/ friend/child.

It just means that you’re a person. And that might need some acceptance too, my friend.

The reason acceptance is important is that when we try to change something without accepting it, we are setting ourselves up to fail. We’re in denial that this thing is a problem, and we’re still trying to change it before anyone else notices.

How To Move Towards Moderation

Let’s look at how you can practice acceptance, so that you can start implementing sustainable changes as you’re ready — one small piece at a time:

Practice mindfulness. A meditation practice, a breathing practice, or even just the habit of observing your thoughts and asking yourself if they are true is a powerful place to start.

Know your true values and look for clarity on why you have these goals. Understanding what’s truly motivating you can help you decide which goals are worth pursuing, and which you can let go of.
Observe the alignment of your actions and behaviour with your values. Are you acting in a way that’s consistent with what you’ve said you want to achieve? If not, why not?
Cultivate a growth mindset. Work on the belief that you are capable of change and that you have the right to change. Be compassionate to yourself when you struggle, like you would with someone you care about.
Recognize that it’s important to take a holistic approach. You can’t white-knuckle your way to wellbeing.
Carve out a ritual for consistent reflection, assessment and planning. It’s much easier to think clearly about what you want to achieve, and how you might do that, if you have dedicated time to spend on yourself.

If you are clear on why you wanted to workout 5 mornings a week (say, because you want to be physically strong, focused and engaged at work), you might not be as hard on yourself if you had to miss a workout because you were up late at night working on a deadline.

You can sleep in, and give yourself some grace to get through the day, recognizing that you can simply come back more rested and stronger the next day.

Having a gratitude practice helps, especially when you can recall the things you DID do for yourself to move you closer to your values and vision.

And if you fall off the wagon, dust yourself off and jump back on — it’s a wagon after all, it’s not moving THAT fast.

Make yourself a Plan A to reach the goal, and a Plan B for when the wheels come off Plan A. Think about what you will do if you don’t hit your target this week. How can you adjust? What can you decide to do that will still help you move closer to your vision and goals?

Don’t wait until Monday to start again. That’s perfectionism trying to get in your way.

Get started now, and stop putting your dreams, desires, wellbeing, happiness and health on hold. Remember: moderation, acceptance, adaptation. You’ve got this.

And if you need help getting on your way (like an expert accountability coach to help you to focus on better, instead of perfect), click here. Let’s have a conversation about what that accountability might look like for you.

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The Cycle of Perfectionism

The Perfectionism Pattern

How Do I Break the Perfectionism Cycle?

How To Move Towards Moderation

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